This is my 100 word entry for JabberHut's Autumn contest. I have tried my very best not to repeat any words, but if you do detect a word appearing twice, please let me know.
The title is included in the 100 words.
Here goes:
--
Autumn rises, falls, and fades away
-
Summer shatters, broken pieces
Timidly, she quickly flashes
Pocket full of withered posies
Please, bring back her blackened ashes
Leaves will leave their trees in fall
Falling now, they cover all
Cloaking smoke, guilt evoked:
Time to mend the hearts we broke
On these homesick blue-black skies
Dust dissolves, a blackbird flies
Gorgeous green is turning gold
Let your worn-out wings unfold
What comes up must soon calm down
But my spirit never frowns
Even during late November
Deep inside me glows an ember
Still, I often wonder why
Blooming flowers always die.
---
~Tess
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
WOW! this is such a beautiful poem, I honestly, really enjoyed reading this.
Alas, failure! thy name is Kris!
The devices in your poem; where very well chosen - very evocotive.
There weren't any grammatical or punctuation problem...Then again, i have never been the best with punctuation.
So visceral! I'd remove the comma from now and move it to fall...it would make the read much smoother.
I have 1 problem with this stanza. Blue-black is very awkward, I'd change it to something more descriptive. Also it seems to seem like lazy writing when "blackbird" turns up...It just feels wrong.
Your rhyme between "gold" and "unfold" is soooo, soooo very lovely. ^^ ME LIKEY!
Is just such a delicately crafted line. MY FAVORITE!!
To any sane reader, this final stanza would be perfectly fine...Unfortunately for you, i am not. When put up against the rest of your very sublime imagery and thought processes...it seems very, very week indeed. I might re-think or omit it. I think perhaps ending with your "wings unfold" line would end the poem perfectly - but I'm just musing
In conclusion! This is a wonderful poem
Love
Kris
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